25.06.24

MY BROTHER PASSED HIS EXAM !!!!!! I'm ugly crying and I can't stop

23.06.24; On love and how to love

I remember the first time my mom told me, angrily, that I was emotionally constipated and would end up alone if I didn't learn how to express and communicate love because "it's useless to love someone if you don't show it!!" It hurt me so much because, at that time, I was vaguely aware that there was something wrong with me and the way I struggled with maintaining relationships, but I could not pinpoint what or how to fix it, and ending up alone was (and still is) my biggest fear. I don't blame her for being harsh, she was the frustrated mother of an undiagnosed neurodivergent daughter and truly could not grasp why I struggled so much with things that should have "come naturally."

Nowadays, I believe I'm doing much better. I have friends and I'm in a loving relationship, but these kinds of things (like making a phone call cheking for a friend, or hug, or simply saying "i love you") still do not come naturally to me (sometimes, I think my way of showing love is just masking and I am not really being my "true self," and there are a lot of ugly, complicated feelings involved).

Anyway, in two days, my brother (one of the people I love most in this whole world) will take the most important exam of his life to officially become a lawyer. Of course, he's extremely stressed about it, and I am stressed about it too. There's nothing I wish more than for him to succeed because he has worked so hard for it and absolutely deserves it! I've been thinking about him and his exam nonstop for the past weeks, but yesterday my mom called and asked, "Have you told your brother you are thinking about him?" I realized that, once again, I had not communicated or shown my love.

So today, I went to his second-favorite bakery (I tried his first-favorite, but it was closed, unfortunately) and bought him some freshly made pizza. Then I went to his place, which was a mess. I cleaned the kitchen, gave him the pizza, and asked if there was anything else I could buy for him? He said no but thanked me so much for the pizza and the kitchen cleanup and he said "I know you love me."

And that made me so happy.

20.06.24 (ITA)

Oggi 40 gradi. Greggi di turisti sfiancati dal caldo si trascianano come zombie per le vie del centro. L'autobus e' passato in orario. Il polase mi tiene in vita. Le mie social battery si sono esaurite per cui mi sono ritirata in camera mentre di la' gli amici guardano l'italia che inevitabilmente verra' umiliata dalla spagna. Ancora non mi viene il cerchio magico. Devo pensare a un regalo per A. che si laurea mercoledi' prossimo.

14.06.24

Starting to feel a little bit overwhelmed by all the sections I've included... Will I be able to keep them always updated? Am I forgetting something? Why am I feeling this as a performance rather than a place to simply collect and store my thoughts?

11.06.24

My first entry. I'm almost done with the graphics; now I guess I'll need to add some substance. Is this how God felt when He was creating the world?